The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
