Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
