Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
