Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
