How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
