Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
