it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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