I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
