the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
