I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
