just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
