yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
