You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
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I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
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I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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