Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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