we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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