Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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