you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
