remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
