Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
There are leaves in my underwear?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
