Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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