I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
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How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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