When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
