he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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