My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
