Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
