The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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