Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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