Plan B is the new Plan A
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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