Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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