does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
They are going to name an STD after you.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
