I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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