Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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