don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
