i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
