Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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