just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
