grandma shit on top of the toilet
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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