If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
