when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
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Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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