The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
