They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
