party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
