I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
