he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
