I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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