I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
