Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
