Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
