I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
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He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
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So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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