I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
