I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
