What did we do last night that was yellow?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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