Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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