Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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