I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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